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Paddling Saved My Life!

Paula Mckenna • Oct 19, 2022

One of this year's new #ShePaddles Ambassadors, Dani Abram, has her say on what Paddling means to her

I want to write ‘paddling saved my life,’ because it probably did. ‘Probably’ in the same way Carlsberg claim that they’re probably the best lager in the world – not by a long way, but bless them. Obviously, there’s a lot more to the story.

However, after the darkest morning of my life that ended up in hospital all alone, far away from home in Northern Ireland, followed by 5 days of home visits in Crisis Care, the seed was definitely planted. A lovely crisis care worker, trying to coax out of me a reason to live, asked ‘There must be something you have always wanted to try?’

‘Kayaking,’ was my answer.

For context, this was 2020 – probably the worst year of a lot of our lives. Finding myself in a global crisis after relocating for a dream job, suddenly felt like the silliest decision in the world. I’d concentrated solely on my career and isolated myself in the meantime. I work in TV animation and I have relocated so many times, there was never time or chance to find a hobby or a friend circle. Certainly nobody I could call in that moment. I didn’t have Zoom Quizzes with family. I didn’t know my neighbours. Without the studio, my life was incredibly empty. And I panicked.

For cheers sake, I’ll fast forward to now, to 2022, and throwing myself around Cardiff International White Water centre with club mates.

I can hardly believe how brave I feel and how different I am.

I can’t believe I am the kind of person that goes kayaking down a river on a weekly basis.

I can hardly believe I am the kind of person that loves seeing bruises on my legs and recounting which swim they came from.

I can’t believe I am now the kind of person who drove across the whole of Wales to attend the She Paddles Festival ALL ALONE!

I can’t stop laughing at the thought that after a lifetime of being the quiet, nerdy art kid, scared of their own shadow – I could potentially be referred to as a sports person. Hilarious.

I’ve always been anxious – a quiet worrying kid and a quiet worrying adult. I’ve struggled with Generalised Anxiety Disorder for far longer than when I was officially diagnosed in 2009. It’s affected every facet of my life in a negative way. My least favourite symptom is anxiety driven IBS. Oh lord, do I have some stories.

Kayaking hasn’t completely cured me of course – but it has certainly helped me more than anything else I have ever tried. I have never felt so completely in my body than I have when I am kayaking. It’s a total Inner Body Experience for me. Infact, the most enlightening moment for me came on a #shepaddles event. A weekend of so many firsts – my first river, my first time using a spray deck, my first swim! I attended an ‘Introduction To White Water’ at TNR in Llangollen, organised by Lisa Dickinson. My first capsize came on the River Llugwy, and I immediately panicked. Although, to my amazement, I still had thoughts. Super slow, slow motion thoughts, but thoughts! I remembered Lisa taking me through what to think first when you go upside down – ‘DECK!’ I attempted some feeble flailing towards wherever I guessed my deck was. Wrong. I had that horrible ‘my head wants to go for air but my body is still in the boat,’ instinct, so I just started kicking until I was free and my head got what it wanted. I remember panicked doggy paddling to the river bank and slowly pulling myself out of the water with every ounce of strength I could possibly muster, thinking ‘surely now I am out to sea. I must have lost the whole team.’ When I turned around and saw where everyone was, I could have died laughing if I had the strength. Then, after a moment of coached slow breathing from Robson, a wave of euphoria like nothing I have ever had in my entire life.

This body, this amazing human body, was no longer a desk body. It was a forever changed body.

It was an amazing human brain, in an amazing human machine. Nothing – not anxiety, not IBS, not depression – would ever win over that feeling. It was bigger than my entire being.

Dramatic?! Yes. Absolutely. I have to make this moment as vivid and as alive as my amateur writing skills will allow. Because it changed me forever.

It feels like fate that when I started to try kayaking, I discovered #shepaddles. Through the writing of their ambassadors (most notably Lisa Dickinson, Clare Rutter and Del Read,) and the events they ran including the brilliant festival, I felt guided into a new sport with new friends. At the end of the Introduction weekend with Lisa, she asked us all to think about what we would go on to do next. The brilliant ladies in attendance all had different goals, mine was to ‘join a club.’ My nearest club is Monmouth Canoe Club, and I went down for a pool session with them as soon as I dared. The guys at the club had me go upside down in my boat and chill out. It has given me so much confidence since, now that I know exactly what to do to get out of my boat. I really hope I can start learning to roll when we’re back in the pool over the winter. I’ve been out with the Monmouth club all summer, on the Wye and at Symonds Yat, a perfect place to learn all the cool river words and techniques. They’ve been the perfect club for me, still very much a beginner. The Wye has been a brilliant and forgiving place to practice and learn. I’m having so much fun there. I’ve also joined Cardiff Canoe Club, because once a week is apparently not enough!! Once again I find myself with the perfect group of people, toeing the line of my comfort zone and feeling so encouraged and supported.

My new favourite feeling is that special ‘full body knackered-ness’ on a Sunday night, after a day or weekend of paddling. I’ve noticed that my body and brain are so fulfilled and spent that I hardly have any strength to panic or give in to my anxiety. It is helping in so many different areas of my life – even my career! I am calmer and less bothered by the competitive nature of my industry. I think it’s put so much of what is important into perspective. I have clearer thoughts and find decisions easier. And, crucially, it’s given me something to live for.

Like I said, it’s probably saved my life.

Dani Abram,

#ShePaddles Cymru Ambassador 2022

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